PSL - Susan Pays Lee a Visit

[lee_fallon]

Lee was more than a little excited to have Susan come to his apartment. It wasn't as if he'd never had visitors before, but his relationship with Susan was a unique one, and the fact that she wanted to come to his space and see him felt like an important moment between them, a new step in their friendship.

In preparation of her arrival, Lee had gone and bought some of the beer she liked, made sure he had wine on hand that he thought she might find happy, and had procured a coffee grinder as a gift, one he thought she'd appreciate and enjoy. He didn't have much in his place to clean, but he made sure everything was tidy, burned some pleasant incense to assure it smelled nice, bought some pastries, savory and sweet, in case Susan was hungry.

As far as Valentine's Days went, spending time with Susan today wasn't a bad deal at all. Lee enjoyed her company immensely, and he looked forward to being able to share his afternoon with an amazing woman, an intelligent, fascinating person, and a good friend.

Comments

[lee_fallon]

Lee laughed, and though it was genuine it was a bit weak with a slight twinge in his stomach. "No, not normally," he replied. "But it is a thing I've been known to do," he added with a bit of smile.

Then he took a breath, trying to decide how to answer her second question, not wanting to offend his friend. "Nothing on your face, no," he said, meeting Susan's eyes. "I was just wondering about your life before, in Discworld," he admitted honestly. "Were you happy there, Susan?" he asked carefully, tugging his blanket up a little higher on his chest.

[nevernougat]

Happiness. Happiness was family and good food and whatever else people tried to sell to you. Happiness was spring for some, but not for snowmen. It was a very human question, but not one Susan had heard for a long time.

"I was, definitely when my parents were still alive. And time spent with my grandfather was always nice. Happiness is such a weird thing to define though, isn't it? Can you be full time happy or are you just pleased with life then?" She wasn't sure if this was a good answer or if she was philosophizing. "I guess usually I'm the default feeling for mortals? Life is going on? Happy feels like sisuch a children's word, I think."

[lee_fallon]

Lee loved the way Susan spoke, because it always called to mind lessons that Lee had read when he'd first started studying Buddhism, made him think more truly in that mindset. "Happiness is the absence of suffering," he said, thinking in that vein. "Or I guess at its pinnacle it is. I don't think many people manage to eliminate all the pain from their lives."

Lee paused for a moment, taking quick stock of his own life. His cancer, obviously, caused him pain, but it was the sort that Lee had learned to accept. Physical suffering was a fact of biology, and though Lee could mitigate it, he couldn't force his biology to change. Not naturally, at least. Having met Eric, fallen in love with him, Lee's emotional well being had been both enhanced and damaged, joyful that he had someone beside him but now more unhappy about his drastically shortened life.

"It's really in the balance," he said finally. "If you have more good times than bad ones."

[nevernougat]

"The absence of suffering?" That sounded quite determined. "So instead of being active for happiness, you have to be active to prevent suffering? Does that mean that you think that happiness or pleasure or all those similar can't be achieved through passivity? Something you always have to work for?"

She was going to finish that pastry, after all. The taste was almost gone from her mouth, and Susan knew that she rather renewed it than lost it.

"Everything is balance and in it." She shrugged a shoulder. "It's not an exciting lesson to learn or share, but it's a necessary one. That's how I feel."

[lee_fallon]

Lee thought about it for a moment, taking in Susan's expression, the easy way she could take what he said and distill it down into something simple. "I don't think it's passivity," he said after a moment. "It's more like finding happiness and pleasure in existing without excess."

He smiled then, shaking his head softly. "I'm not very good at it," he admitted. "There was a time when I found ways to be happy on my own, just being in the moment, but it's hard to maintain that when you meet people and start getting attached to them."

Taking a breath, Lee reached for his beer, drinking a small sip. "Balance is easier," he went on. "I'm not bad at that."

[nevernougat]

Susan knew that there were different levels of excess, but there had to be some for everyone to prevent just being instead of living.

"I don't know why you're the only one who can think so broadly, and speak along the lines of his thoughts. It's not your looming death, death doesn't necessary make someone well-spoken. There are always surprises of course, but usually there is no one-hundred eighty twist on the verbal abilities of a dead person."

"Attachment works again moments, that's definitely true. But I'm pretty sure attachments are viewed as one of the things that build and uphold a character as well. So it's one way or the other. A painfree life, or a painful memory of a good time. Again, balance."

[lee_fallon]

Lee shrugged, relaxing back on the couch, letting his muscles sag and tugging his blanket up higher on his chest. "Dying is part of it, I think," he said after moment. "It makes you do a lot of soul searching. You learn what kind of person you are very quickly. I wasn't this calm at the beginning," he admits.

"There's a difference between being ready to die and wanting to die," he said then, and he could tell the topic made Susan uncomfortable. "I don't think anyone really wants to die. Sometimes it just feels better than the alternative. I know a little bit about that too," he told Susan, baring a little bit of one of his deeper secrets.

[nevernougat]

"No-one is calm at beginnings. Any." It was clear that the magic was starting to wear off, either by biologically or enchantingly leaving Lee's system. "I am glad that the worst seems to have come and gone. It leaves the memory of this gathering on a less sour note."

"I haven't yet met the person that wants to die, definitely. Even those that don't want to live any more are surprised and rattled by death. It's the one permanent change that can't, in any way, be unchanged. Reversed. It ends and starts there, nothing to be done."

[lee_fallon]

"I'm sorry about the sour note in the middle," Lee replied with a dry chuckle. "I do feel better," he added with a small smile. "I'm glad I only had one piece of chocolate."

Tucking his blanket around his lap, Lee shifted to sit up more fully on the couch. "I know death is inevitable," he said, looking at the blanket stretched over his knees. "I don't want to live forever. I think that would be unbearable. I just..." He sighed, and he knew he couldn't look up and see Susan's face as he went on. "I'm not ready anymore. Not yet."

[nevernougat]

"Yes, definitely. I don't want to know what would have happened if you would have been a chocolate glutton. A maelstrom of bodily fluids, possibly?" Susan knows it's a bit rude to eye the last pastry on the plate, but it's not Lee will eat it any time soon, and how rude can accepting a sweet piece of food really be?

"You're not ready to die anymore?" This was what she had worried about since meeting his Eric. "Is it because of the romantic love in your life now?"