"Lee...I always figured I'd kill myself before I turned twenty five.
So...no," I tell him. Figure I might as well be honest. "I've never thought
much about even having a future until I came here. And even here, I figured
I'd get high on the wrong shit or drink myself to death. When Todd vanished
I almost did it. I can't even tell you why I didn't. I have the razor
blade..."
I notice how I get quieter and quieter, ashamed at the very thought of
suicide when my husband is dying of cancer and has no choice in the matter.
Like, how fucking selfish, I think. I never thought of it as selfish
before. Just a way out. Since my parents died I've just wanted a way out.
And now I suddenly have everything to live for. I have real happiness and
real love. I have Lee and he takes everything toxic in me and renders it
neutral.
"...I'm sorry," I say and sob as I start to cry again, out of the blue. I'm
so fucking glad he can't read my mind.
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Date: 2016-03-13 05:30 am (UTC)From:"Lee...I always figured I'd kill myself before I turned twenty five. So...no," I tell him. Figure I might as well be honest. "I've never thought much about even having a future until I came here. And even here, I figured I'd get high on the wrong shit or drink myself to death. When Todd vanished I almost did it. I can't even tell you why I didn't. I have the razor blade..."
I notice how I get quieter and quieter, ashamed at the very thought of suicide when my husband is dying of cancer and has no choice in the matter. Like, how fucking selfish, I think. I never thought of it as selfish before. Just a way out. Since my parents died I've just wanted a way out.
And now I suddenly have everything to live for. I have real happiness and real love. I have Lee and he takes everything toxic in me and renders it neutral.
"...I'm sorry," I say and sob as I start to cry again, out of the blue. I'm so fucking glad he can't read my mind.